It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
