The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
