My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
