bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Randomize
