I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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