I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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