Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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