When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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