man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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