I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
and you fell through a lawn chair
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
