He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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