my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
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