This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
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