How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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