Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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