i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
