Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
