Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
