my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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