My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
