its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
