I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
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