this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
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