can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
