my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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