The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize