Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize