is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
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