i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
Randomize
