he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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