Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
Randomize
