I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Best friends brother. Beat that.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Vodka?
Forever.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
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