I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
