I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
