I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Randomize
