um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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