I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
