This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
