Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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