I will die if light touches me.
what's Bukake?
a bad idea.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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