did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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