Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
