Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I didn't notice because vodka
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
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