fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize