I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Randomize
