can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
