Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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