If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
