Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I beer bonged before it even hit 4 o' clock. Please get on my level homecoming style.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
