this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
