were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
