My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize