someone get that fucking seahorse.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
Randomize
