Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
