I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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