If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
you will always have a special place in my vag
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
