Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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