Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
