i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
