I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
