Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Randomize
