i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I fill condoms, not promises.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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