bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Randomize
