apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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