I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
