Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
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