im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Randomize