from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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